Published June 17, 2008
Dancing, swirling, twirling,
spinning in a pool of light
Hidden, unknown and concealed,
In the deepest depths of the night.
Creeping, crawling, sneaking,
Someone's in the darkness outside,
Secretive, deceptive and patient,
Outside the pool of light does he hide.
Unaware, ignorant, oblivious,
are the dancers in the pool.
Anticipation, foreboding, tense,
As the Assassin readies his tool.
Preparation, training, anxiety,
For what he is about to do.
Happy, joyful, buoyant,
The dancers and the night that they still dance through.
Alarm, panic, chaos,
As the Assassin deals his blow,
Fading, falter, feeble,
As out the many lights do go.
Shock, dibelief, confusion,
What has this Assassin done?
He's gone and killed all the fairies<
He's gone and killed them
One by one.
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141,348 Literary Works • 674,370 Reviews
Overall, this was a pretty good poem.
Although, you went a little adjective heavy.
Shock, dibelief, confusion,
What has this Assassin done?
He's gone and killed all the fairies,
Killed them all one by one.
As out the many lights do go. would be better without the "do," as well.
I editted that a little bit, it makes more sense and it's more rhythmic.
Overall, I like the messages in this.
It's very powerful; I can feel the pain in it.
Dancing, swirling, twirling,
spinning in a pool of light.
Hidden, unknown and concealed,
in the deepest depths of night.
Just take out some of the caps and put in a period.
Creeping, crawling, sneaking.
Someone's in the darkness outside.
Secretive, deceptive, patient,
Outside the pool of light he does hide.
The last sentence sounded a little forced.
Everything else was just a repetitive mistake. The concept was very original, and for that I give this a gold star and you get a 9/10.
The explanation was awesome as well, I could feel the confusion and the pain, you know. You are talented.
Hey black star,
I didn't really understand the context too brilliantly - was it from a group of poems? Or was it something symbolic I missed? (probably the latter)
However, there were a few typos ('diSbelief'), and the capitialisation of the beginning of many lines was unneeded.
I love the first three paragraphs, (except maybe the rhyme of 'pool' and 'tool' seems a little forced), but then the rhythm kinda goes and the rhymes seem very forced and unnatural. I like the use of the lists (I often use them myself), but 'For what he is about to do.', and 'As out the many lights do go.' seem strangely worded purely for the rhyme. I understand it helps the rhythm and the flow, but maybe scrap the rhyme and concentrate on the message you are trying to portray as it seems to get lost as the reader will focus on the rhymes, I know I did.
I hope this helps, and I'm only one person - you're full entitled not to listen to me
Keep writing,
~sday